


Fears and Doubts

by jayilyse



Series: Fortunate [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, rosemary, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-12
Updated: 2012-08-12
Packaged: 2017-11-11 23:34:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/484137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jayilyse/pseuds/jayilyse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What can I do to make her feel better, though? I have no idea what is the matter, and I do not think she cares to talk about it right now. I know what my lusus would do. She would wrap herself around me as best she could.</p><p>That is exactly what I will do.</p><p>________________________________________________________</p><p>Kanaya has not seen me crying until this moment. I do not want to show her how weak I really am – that I am not the person she thought I was. I am supposed to be the strong one for every individual on the meteor. I am the Atlas. I am supposed to be unyielding like pure diamond.  I am –</p><p>…on the receiving end of a hug.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kanaya

**Author's Note:**

> The view in this series changes. The viewpoint will be from the character the chapter is named after. This starts with Kanaya's POV. Enjoy.

I have been looking for her all day.

I know Rose needs time alone occasionally, as do I, but something has been worrying me lately. It has been about half a sweep since we have been together. We have become closer than I thought we possibly could. I have noticed things that I would never have noticed before if not for the advancement of our relationship. For instance, Rose has a birth mark behind her ear, as well as tiny freckles on her face that one can only see when one comes up close. When one is close enough, they can also see how her skin becomes paler from neck down – not that I was necessarily looking there on purpose. It is just something I happen to have noticed. Yes. That is all it is. There are other things I have noticed, and that is why I am actively searching for her throughout the meteor. It is something in her words that is making me this way. I am probably being paranoid. Communication is the key to any relationship, though. That is why I am split between continuing to look and stopping my search. Sometimes she likes to roam the corridors – so I have painstakingly searched each and every one of them to no avail. I sigh as I walk down to the main lobby. I look to my left, and all I see is another steel walled hallway.

That is the hallway to Rose’s room.

I have often walked her to her room; however, I have never been inside of it. Granted, she has not been in my block either. We share a kiss, and we leave each other to the privacy of our room. It is probably the only privacy we can acquire due to Can Town’s new expansion near the transportalizer for the library. The general insanity of this meteor tends to astound me. I tend to think I should auspistice for Karkat, Terezi, and Dave – but that is not relevant. If Rose is anywhere on this meteor right now, she is in her room. Do I dare disturb her? She is probably doing something important. I am feeling this strange “vibe”, as Dave calls it, coming from the direction of her room. It is best to leave her be. I walk a couple paces to my own part of the meteor. My block is rather out of the way, and one of the biggest in the meteor – if only because of all my decorative and fashion endeavors. I walk a few paces more.

Wait.

I stop in my tracks. Something is bothering me – something about this whole situation. I do not know what it is that coerces me into stepping back and heading down Rose’s passageway. I hear my footsteps echo down the hall, providing a haunting beat to my ears. The walk seems dreary at first; the corridor is seemingly longer than it actually is. Perhaps my impulsive decision was the wrong one. It is not too late to turn around. I try to reason with myself. If she does not want me around, then I am intruding. If something is the matter and she is alone, am I still intruding? This is exactly what everyone says is a problem with me. I am too meddlesome. I fear that I really am. Actually, it is better to doubt that I am not meddling than it is to doubt I am. It is not too late to turn around – okay, this time it is. I am already at her door. The shadow I cast on her door is bigger than me. Perhaps it is a representation of what I am doing. I am entering a territory that could be bigger than me in many ways. The feeling is peculiar. I hesitate in my attempt to knock on the door. I choose to call her name out instead.

“Rose?”

There is only silence. Maybe she is not in her room. I am about to turn around when I hear her call out.

“Yes, Kanaya?”

Her voice – it is never that high. Is she sick? She caught what the humans call a “cold” once before. Her voice was scratchy and rough when that happened, though. This is not the case here. The voice is more than one pitch higher than its usual octave. It might be some new kind of sickness. I am becoming extremely worried now.

“Rose, is something wrong?”

I hear a rather loud sigh through the door. I must be exasperating her. If she tells me to leave, I will. I feel terrible. I must have interrupted something important. I turn my heel as if to leave, preparing for the inevitable sentence to do so.

“Come in, Kanaya.”

My eyes narrow a bit. That is definitely outside of her normal behavior. My eyebrows furrow. My amount of worry has probably tripled by this point. I jiggle the door handle and push in after I hear the tiny click. I cautiously peak my head in before the rest of my body follows. I look at where Rose is sitting on her…I believe it is called a “bed”. There are stains on her cheeks – barely noticeable, if not for my comparably advanced senses, because they are clear. She sniffles and clears her throat – that is similar to how she was when she was sick; however, she did not have those aforementioned stains. She has folded her hands in her lap. From the looks of it, she is squeezing them together rather tightly. Something is not right. She is looking everywhere except at me. Yet, in some strange way, I feel like she needs me to by her side right now. I do have my doubts about this – I fear I am being too meddlesome. My instinct is the only thing telling me to sit by her, and my acid sac’s feeling has been wrong before. On the other side of the token, not following my instinct has led to hesitation and delayed movement when it comes to important situations like these. I decide it is best to follow my intuition.

I walk toward the bed and take my time sitting on it. I have never sat on one of these things. It feels comfier than a couch. It shifts to accommodate us like a sofa would. These things do not seem that bad, despite Karkat’s raving rants about terrible human devices such as “the bed”. Rose is still looking everywhere besides me – she is turning her body towards me, though. Her hands have unfolded and are still on her lap. She is gripping her pants slightly with the tips of her finger – I have often noticed that she has to have her hands somewhere on her lap when she is feeling nervous. I am sure she is feeling nervous now. Now that I have a closer look at her face, I notice the stains on her cheeks are similar to the path way a tear would take. Was she crying? I cannot see anything else that would make that sort of pattern. I have cried too many times myself to not notice the route of teardrops. What can I do to make her feel better, though? I have no idea what is the matter, and I do not think she cares to talk about it right now. I know what my lusus would do. She would wrap herself around me as best she could.

That is exactly what I will do.

I wrap my arms around Rose before she can notice. I try to make sure I am not squeezing her too tightly or too loosely. I want this to have the calming effect it did on me. I place my head on her upper rotational joint connector. I do not want to shoosh pap her, as I do not know if she will calm down from it. Some individuals have opposite reactions to shoosh paping. I sit there, and I hold her. At first she makes a tiny yelp that would probably be unnoticeable if I were not right next to her – rather, if I were not on her. Her skin is warm and I really do not mind hugging her like this as opposed to holding her as I would when kissing her. After a bit, she lays her head on my shoulder, wrapping her arms around me, and starts to sob. She is legitimately bawling on me. I can feel the mucus and tears all over my sleeve. I do not mind it. As long as she can get what she needs to get out of her system. Her words are garbled and her phrases are jumbled. I can barely comprehend what she is saying – what she is upset about.

I can make out a few things. Some of the things she has talked about with me, albeit not in depth like she is trying to right now. Rose has trouble with what is expected of her, as shown to her by what the others have said and what she expects of herself. However, it is my partially my fault for forgetting to tell her that I do not think this way, and that it is absurd to reach for perfection like this. I have only listened and nodded my head, in an attempt to let her say what she needs to say. After she had said what she wanted to say, she excused herself so she can have time alone. This is a moment in which my hesitation has come to the point of catastrophe. Without a doubt, from what she is saying, she thinks I consider her abilities that of perfection as well. This is not the case, though she has not told me what the exact weaknesses are. I cannot really make them out as she is speaking and choking on her words at the same time.

Rose is talking about her mother now, and I grip her tighter – not so much so that I would be causing her to breathe less, as she is probably having trouble breathing to get the words out in the first place. At least, it seems like it since she is practically gasping for breath after every sentence. For humans, mothers are like lusii. Though many lusii are violent and are rarely there, other lusii, like my own, are nothing but accommodating, helpful, and they keep one from being lonely. From what she has told me, Rose did not have a relationship with her mother like I had with my lusus. They played passive aggressive games with each other, at least from her standpoint. However, she never got to tell her mother that she truly loved her before she died. She was too late to do it. That is what sent her into the final descent into grimdarkness – the phase she is trying so hard to not fall back into.

One of the major problems with Rose, from what I have observed, is that she tends to hide her true emotion – even towards someone she likes. She compresses her emotions, though she is saying she wants to let them show, so much that she probably will turn grimdark again with the slightest provocation in the next session. It could be that she breaks down like this instead, but that is a whole different issue. The point is that she tries to stop having emotions to stop the grimdark when in all actuality, that is most likely making it worse. Her words right now are telling me that she is dying to break free from the binds she has held herself to. I will admit that the others rely on her a bit too much, but for the most part she has put these expectations on herself. She is an over achiever to the highest degree – realizing she has flaws that can only be helped so much yet still seeking to erase them completely. She is reaching for perfection when neither human, nor any troll, can actually reach it. She has flaws, and that is what I like about her. Yes, her words are cryptic sometimes and she is overly sarcastic. No one besides me can understand if she is being ironic or telling the truth when she gets like that. The others still have a hard time.

I have had a hard time with perfection as well. I still have bits of the problem now. I wanted to have everyone get along perfectly. I wanted the interactions between everyone to be calm and peaceful. This is why I have such a grudge against Gamzee and Eridan. They completely fucked that dream up, so to speak. When I think about it, there was no way that was going to happen. This is not my time to complain, however – even to myself. It is Rose’s time now.

She picks her head up and takes it off of my upper rotational joint connector. I can see the mess she made of my shirt in my peripheral vision. It does not really matter though. I can see how terrible she feels just by the look on her face. She starts to speak, but I immediately silence her. I smile at her – I know it is not my usual smile. I only want to make her feel better. I lean in and kiss her on the forehead. When I lean back outward, I move my eyes to hers. Her eyes are a beautiful shade of purple. Now, I am going to attempt to say the words that I should have told her a long, long, time ago.

“Rose, it is going to be alright.”

I know she will not believe me. Not at first. She will probably think I am covering what I really think up, and that I do not want to be with her for any length of time anymore. I do not know why she would think that, considering how the amount of time she and I have spent on this meteor together have been some of the best times of my life. It is most likely that she does not think I understand. I have to think of a way to prove it to her – I need to say the right words. I need to do the right actions. I cup her face with one of my hands.

“I believe the phrase is ‘you are only human’. It is okay to have emotions. Trolls have them too.”

Rose’s response is quick.

“No, Kanaya, you do not seem to understand –“

I know it is bad to interrupt others when they are talking. This time, though, I have to intervene. Rose needs to hear it loud and clear.

“I may not completely understand, however, I understand enough of your situation to tell you that you are the strongest individual I know. It is healthy to let yourself cry and show emotion. It does not make me appreciate your company any less.”

Her facial expression changes to one of puzzlement. It is only after some silence that she shows some sign of understanding what I previously said. She takes her hand and puts it on top of the hand I have on her face. My lips tug upward into an almost smile.

“Are you sure?”

My response is as immediate as hers was before.

“I have never been surer in regards to anything that has happened in my six sweeps of life. Actually, my five sweeps of life and a sweep of undead life.”

Somehow, that gets a chuckle out of her. I give her a genuine smile. Honestly speaking, there is no one I would want to be with more than this woman in front of me. When the game is over, I want to be with her – there is no doubt in my mind. I do not know where this game will lead if we do win – if it will be another new universe or if our two universes will combine. It could be neither of those, for all we know. Yet, it will all be okay with me no matter what happens – as long as I am with Rose. I have the urge to tell her this.

“I hope you know that I want to be with you when all of this ends.”

She looks at me, with nearly wriggler-like wonder in her eyes.

“Can you say that again, Kanaya?”

“Hm?”

“What you just said. Can you say it again?”

I beam at her, somewhat glad she wants me to repeat it. This way I know she is listening to me – not that she was not before. It is just nice to know that she really wants to hear what I have to say.

“I want to be with you when all of this ends.”

I wonder if I should say it. I have wanted to say this for a perigee or so. I know it is early. Yet, one could think I can say it because we have known each other for an extended period of time. She smiles at me for the first time since I set foot in the room. I cannot look at her though – my face must be entirely jade. No – I cannot look her in the eye. Should I say it? I want to say it. I look up a little bit, trying to meet her gaze.

I am going to say it.

“I do not know if this is the right time to say this, or how to say this. I do not know if you will understand it in my terms or if I should use your terms. If I use your terms I will not know if I am using them right and I could be saying the wrong thing. If I use my terms I will know what I am saying, but then you might not. It is quite a dilemma and I am split between –“

This time she interrupts me.

“Kanaya, you are rambling.”

I quickly apologize. I clear my protein chute. Let me give this one more try.

“Let me try it this way. In my terms, I would say I am flushed the deepest of reds for you. In your terms, I believe the phrase is ‘I love you’.”

She responds with silence.

Maybe I said it too soon? Does she not feel the same way? Oh, no. I could have completely messed this up. I look at her, expecting her to say something yet nothing at all. I do not know what to –

“I love you too.”

I finally shift my eyes to hers. I literally want to cry out of sheer joy. I do not even know what to do. Before I have a chance to try to figure out what to do with myself, she unwinds her arms from around me and places them around my neck – there is a sudden pulling motion, and I find myself moving my arms every which way in order to catch myself. By the end of it, my arms are on each side of Rose, I am on top of her, and I am straddling her as she lies beneath me. I did not fully comprehend what happened until we wound up in this positioning, and as such, stammering and stuttering on my end is perfectly in order. She grins up at me, and puts her warm hand on my face, mimicking the action I took earlier. Instead of keeping her hand still, though, she uses her fingers to trace from the tip of my ear all the way down to my collar bone.

It feels very, very good. I am aware of every stroke, leaning in so I can feel them more. It sends a chill up my spinal erector. My breathing pattern becomes different as she varies the pressure of her touches. I know this will feel even better when I shut my eyes, so that is what I do. Rose’s hand wraps around the base of one of my horns. That in itself is a turn on for most trolls, but combined with the bit of force she uses to push me down enough to touch her lips? I cannot help it when I let out an “mmm” to show how much I like what is happening. I push a little harder against her lips, and she pushes back with an equivalent amount of force. She starts to move her hand from my horn – an action that makes me miss the contact.

Rose moves her hand down my hair, down my neck, and further down. I arch into it as she goes lower and lower, reaching my lower back and going under my shirt. I squeak a bit – the temperature difference between her hand and my back surprises me. I know I am touch-sensitive – I just did not think my reactions would be so quick – so needy. I hear her laugh, and I stare her down with an “angry” expression – I cannot make myself look mad when this feels so good. She smiles at me, and traces circles on my back. Her fingers go up toward the scar on my back, and then back down. I do not know how I feel about her seeing and touching the scar yet, so I think it is better for her to not touch it for now. It does not seem like she is aiming to go near it, anyway. I crash my lips into hers – but then I get an idea. I do not have to stay on her lips. I can explore. I have nibbled her ears before, but not her neck. I have resisted putting my mouth to her neck for…obvious reasons. I feel like now is the time to be bold – the time to test myself.

As soon as my lips are on hers, I take them off and place my mouth on the lobe of Rose’s ear. I lick the lobe lightly – noting that birth mark once more before I kiss and lick down her jaw line. I hear her let out a moan as my teeth graze against her neck. I can feel the blood rushing, her pulse racing – so very, very tempting to just bite. Instead, I opt for more sucking, kissing, and licking. This is absolute torture.

“Kanaya.”

I do not really want to remove my mouth from her person. It may be torture, and it may be tempting, but hearing the noises Rose makes is worth the suffering. She is expecting a response, so I remove my lips of her neck.

“Yes?”

“You can bite.”

...I do not know if I should be skeptical, or if I should thank what the humans call “the heavens”. I am more than enthusiastic about this. My cautious side peeks through even with this situation, though. This could hurt her. I have to ask if she’s sure. It is highly embarrassing for me, however. I cannot get the words “are you sure” out properly. I am being entirely selfish. I want her to say I can continue so terribly, yet I do not want to damage her. I do not know the effects a bite might have on humans. I do not –

“Kanaya, it is going to be alright.”

The same exact words I used to make her feel better…I am still not completely sure. I look at her face, then her neck, then back to her face. Rose nods at me, a glint in her eye. That is when I can see that she is not doing this just to help with my needs – she wants me to. I lick my lips; my tongue goes over a bit of my fang. For some reason, I feel possessive – like this somehow proves something. It may be primitive of me, but this makes me feel like she is truly mine.

I suck on the side of her neck – every time I go lower, I suck longer. By the time I get to the junction between her neck and collarbone, the side of her neck is one big red splotch. The blood is nearly at the surface at her skin. I graze it with my teeth – coaxing more blood to the surface. I give the area another measured, lengthy lick.

And then I bite.

My fangs sink in easily, and they are washed in blood as soon as the tips are in. I hear Rose take in a sharp breath – her nails dig into my back. I wait for her to start breathing normally again before I reposition myself to get more comfortable, and to gain an optimum position for blood access. My leg mid-joint finds a comfortable spot in between Rose’s legs. Her blood does not have a particular flavor so much as it tastes light – airy, even. It seems that when I move upward with my fangs, I attract more blood to them. I maneuver so that I can get more blood to flow towards me. When I do so, my leg mid-joint moves upward – her moans become varied between low sounds and high ones. They are also far less contained whenever it moves. I thrust it the tiniest bit against her as I take my fangs out, licking at the marks I left to help them coagulate. Rose lifts her neck toward my fangs, as if she wants me to bite once more. Taking the blood has left me breathless – an unfortunate side effect of taking too much. She is panting even harder than I am when I pick my head up to look at her – her face is totally flushed, the entire side of her neck is bruised, and her hair a complete and total mess. Her headband was lost when this occasion became more intense. How could she be such a seductress?

In a sudden movement, Rose moves her arms from off my lower back and around my neck – she pulls me down and my mouth fall onto hers. She kisses my lips with even more passion than she did before – licking and nibbling my top lip and lower lip. My teeth are likely to leave bruises on her lips. I do not think she cares at this moment. Her moans are vibrating against me – I cannot help moaning as well. She licks and nips, enticing me to open my mouth. As such, I oblige her unspoken request. Her tongue snakes out to lick at the tip of my own. I decide it is best to let her take the lead for now. I will take it later, at another time. I imitate the motions of her tongue, as well as the speed. Then, Rose does two things she has never done before. One, she sucks on the tip of my tongue, which draws out a long, breathy moan from me. Of course, this is aided by what she is does at the same time – she takes a single arm off of the back of my neck, and places it between us so she can grab one of my vestigial chest sacs, pushing me upward.

This whole entire time there have been signs of wanting to pail, but none more so than now. My nook is aching – I moan with less restraint than before, just as Rose is doing. To my disappointment, she licks at the tip of my tongue and finishes the kiss – using the same move she usually uses, which is sucking my lower lip and pulling it toward her. When she releases it, she puts the hand that was groping me on my head – running her fingers through my hair. I am awfully turned on, but she is right in deciding to stop here. It would be unfair to take advantage of this opportunity when she was sobbing what feels like mere moments ago. Besides, I believe we both need to catch our breath. There is no need to speak for a while, so I lay my head on her chest. Rose is the one to break the silence.

“Well, that was fun.” She says – I can catch a glimpse of a smirk as I lift my head.

I raise my head up as so that I can see the entirety of her face – I am too turned on to really think about what I want to say. I suppose I will have to go for the obvious. I give her a smirk in return.

“I would have to agree.”

She is staring me in the eye – as if she is looking for something in them. I can see her smirk turning into a slight smile. I am glad I can make her like this – happy. I would do anything in the entire universe if it meant that I could make her happy.

“Kanaya?”

“Yes?”

“Would you stay with me tonight?”

I look at the empty space on the bed. It seems like it would hold me. I have never slept on a bed before. However, there is the thought that sleeping on Rose would be comfier. I opt for the bed instead.

“Nothing would make me happier, Rose.”

“You might want to get off me, then.”

I may have been thinking about it no more than one thought ago, but I completely forgot I was putting weight on her. I attempt to offer my apologies – she laughs. It is a sound that rings beautifully in my ears. It does not stop me from being embarrassed though. It takes a while before I find that right wording.

“Oh, yes – right – of course.”

I remove my leg mid-joint from her crotch, and move to the empty space on the mattress, moving myself so that I am on my side – that way I can look at Rose. She turns on her side as well, and moves herself into me. I have never cuddled anyone before. This is…this is nice. I may be turned on to the point that it is almost unbearable, however, I will suffer through it if I can have times like this with her – times where I can hold this precious woman in my arms. My breathing is becoming less ragged. Soon, it matches Rose’s breathing pattern. She is lying on my chest…perhaps she can feel my blood pusher beating. I wrap an arm around her so that I can bring her closer. I want her to hear what I have to say.

“Rose Lalonde, I want you to know that I am here anytime you need me. I will always be here for you.”

I do not hear a response. She must be falling asleep. I kiss her the top of her head. Now I am left alone to my thoughts for a while. I know I will think about how completely and utterly flushed I am for her. I know what else will be on my mind tonight.

So long as we are together, no matter what doubts we have – no matter what fears may arise…

We will be alright.


	2. Rose

It is hard being the Seer of Light.

I may have the ability to see the most fortuitous path, but that does not mean the other paths cannot happen. It does not mean that we cannot stray towards different events due to external shenanigans. Luck can pan out in any way, even when one can see how lucky they are. For example, say someone was to roll a pair of dice – and know for a fact that they had extremely high chances of achieving the numbers they want to get, as compared to other people. When they roll, it does not necessarily land on their number – and even if it does, there is no guarantee that they will procure what they want. Someone else can change plans. Someone else can change their mind in a single second.

All it takes is an instant.

And that is what worries me.

The saying goes “with great power comes great responsibility”. No one ever told me there are two other things that come with power in addition to that. With great power comes great fear – great doubt. Others look up to me to show them the way. Others look to me to help out when needed. That is the responsibility part. However, no one ever told me that I would doubt if I am doing things right. No one ever told me I would have to act forward, confident and sure of myself when I am not. I want to be able to show my doubt, yet I cannot do this – if I show how I am doubtful of certain issues, the others will become disconcerted. They will not be at the top of their “game”, so to speak, when we arrive at the next session. This could cost us our lives. There is no way I can show how scared I am of making a wrong decision, either – interpreting what I see as a Seer of Light wrong, or how luck can still change to be against us. My abilities are not foolproof. None of our abilities are. Mine only seem to be the most advantageous. That is why they look to me for advice and decision making. I could be in my room, like I am now, and they automatically expect me to burst out with an epiphany and make sure things happen so that we can win.

There is only one person – well, troll – that I have talked to about this. At first, even with her, I had to keep up the charade. I had to be forward to advance my relationship with Kanaya, too. I knew fortune was on my side, and I observed her actions toward me and what she had said to me. Yet, even still, there were possibilities where she would not have reciprocated. She could have spontaneously changed her mind – right on the spot. She would have good reasoning to do so. One is the situation we are in. Two is the fact that we are two different species. These are the two very obvious reasons why she could have turned me down, let alone the subtler reasoning. I was worried that I was being _too_ forward. I could have been too presumptuous. I would have forced myself on her if she had no romantic inclination toward me. Thankfully, this was not the case.

I am the Seer of Light. That is an intricate part of my identity now. It may be my entire identity now, essentially.

But I am not an oracle. I am merely a gambler.

Sometimes I wish that I had these powers before my mother died. If I did, then maybe I could have saved her. I know the truth, though. I would not have died if she did not. I would not be God Tier, and I would not be able to help the others win the game in the null session we are heading to. We would not be able to win and possibly recreate earth. There are things that have to happen in order to paint the bigger picture. That does not make me feel any better. In all actuality, it hurts a lot more to know that I could have tapped into these abilities sooner if I had just found my quest bed earlier, or if I had not let myself get tricked by who I now know as Doc Scratch. I have cried over why this did not happen – it is an awful feeling.

I am not allowed to be weak. I am not allowed to show how I have the same amount of doubt and fear as everyone else. I can barely do so in the confines of this teeny room. My feelings are a jumbled up mess that I have to control because I will not allow myself to fall into grimdarkness again. Everything is about knowing what is going to happen. It is about controlling what is happening when there is no way to actually do so. It has _always_ been a charade. Although I despise having to keep it up, the others rely on me. They do so for information about the status of our mission and the research I have done. The first and foremost reason, however, is because I give them hope. I am the only light they see at the end of the tunnel, metaphorically speaking.

I am the Atlas of this meteor. SBURB is the vast heavens upon my back. The weight of it is threatening to crush me. This meteor is a prison to me. It is deafening in its silent screams that add to your own, due to the fact that there is nothing to do other than think. My barely decorated steel room is the only salvageable safe haven I have within this meteor. The bed I am sitting on is where I usually unleash my relentlessly agonizing thought process. I am not sure how long it will take, or if we can win this game at all. This could all be for naught. We still have to try for the sake of ourselves and our loved ones – it is difficult to hope to win when you can see all the hundreds of ways our goals may not be achieved… so very, very, difficult. It is when I think about these things all at once, I tend to start –

Crying.

Great. I had to go and start the waterworks – still salty as ever, too. Not only do I have to deal with the salt, oh no – I have to deal with the bitter taste of defeat. It is a battle not to cry every time. Now it will take way too long to stop. I have more research to do. This is not the time for this. At least no one will turn down this hallway for a while. I can be by my damaged self for the time being. I do not know if I like to be by myself like I used to, actually. Sometimes being with the others provides distraction, though everything is always in the back of my mind. The tracks of my mind are bumpy and arduous paths to walk along, and I do not like to walk along them like I used to. It is more like I am looking at the footsteps –

Wait a tick. Are those footsteps in the hallway? They are faint, but those are definitely footsteps. Did I miscalculate the timing? No, I am pretty sure I did not. Who could it be? Is it one of those times where someone made a last minute decision? That must be it. The weakness proves itself yet again.

I start to wipe my face – the footsteps are getting closer and closer to my door. If someone is coming to see me, I will never be able to hide it in time. I should at least clear my throat – no, what if they do not know I am here? I could save myself if I stay quiet. That sounds like a good plan.

The footsteps echo throughout the hallway, pounding in my ears as loud as my own heartbeat. The footsteps cease. I can see a shadow under the door through the slit just below.

Fuck.

“Rose?”

Oh no – not now. Not now, Kanaya. She is the one being I cannot hide from, since it is more than likely she looked for me everywhere. I am split between silence and telling her to leave me be – that I am tired or some excuse or another. I will go for the latter. She usually gives me space when I need it.

“Yes, Kanaya?” I say, just when my voice decides to crack. If it could talk, I am pretty sure it would be saying “Hey, Rose! I’m going to send you up two octaves so she knows something is wrong!” Thank you, voice. I appreciate it.

Well, that puts the nail in my coffin. I am doomed. She is going to come in. I did not lock the door. This is it. This is the moment everyone finds out that I am weak. Look at me – making the wrong decision even though I am the Seer. This is absolutely fabulous.

“Rose, is something wrong?”

I can hear the careful enunciation of each word. Each one of them is laced with worry now. I let out a sigh. No point in hiding now.

“Come in, Kanaya.”

The door handle jiggles a little, and makes a tiny click. Kanaya pushes it open slowly, acting cautious as always. She enters with a look of worry on her face, and when she sees me she furrows her eyebrows a bit more. I am certain I have tear stains drying on my cheeks. In a pathetic attempt to return to my normal state, I sniffle and clear my throat. The sniffles and throat clearing sounds probably make me seem pathetic on the outside, too. I fold my hands and put them on my lap. I look down at them and try not to look anywhere else – especially not at Kanaya. I hear her moving toward the bed and a moment later she is sitting next to me. The weight shifts to accommodate us both. My pulse is reverberating in my forehead and my ears. I really do not want to do this right now, but do I really have a choice at this point? Well, technically speaking, I do. No other pathway would be prudent to walk down, sadly. I turn my body towards hers. I unfold my hands, though I keep them on my thighs.

Kanaya has not seen me crying until this moment. I do not want to show her how weak I really am – that I am not the person she thought I was. I am supposed to be the strong one for every individual on the meteor. I am the Atlas. I am supposed to be unyielding like pure diamond. I am –

…on the receiving end of a hug.

It catches me off guard, so I make what I hope is a practically silent noise of surprise. She is not holding me too tight nor is she is not holding me too loosely. Her skin is an odd mixture between cool and warm. It sends a shiver down my spine – presumably due to the different body temperatures. This is preposterous. I am not a child anymore. I do not want anyone to see me blubbering about my problems and issues. I should be able to take care of them, or at least deal with them, by myself. I do not know what is compelling me to cry again. I do not want her to see me cry at all. Yet, now all I want to do is cry in her arms. I refuse. I will not. I cannot. I…

I am going to break down.

I wrap my arms around her and lay my head on her shoulder – it is comfy, albeit a bit bony. It is not more than a millisecond later when I start to crying – no, I do not cry. I legitimately sob. This includes all the disgusting mucus and choked sounds. I start trying to explain what is going through my head, but not a single word comes out clear. I know Kanaya is listening anyway – trying to piece together my indecipherable language. She is motionless, yet, as she listens, I feel her grip me tighter – not hard enough to feel like I am being squeezed until I cannot breathe, though. It might as well be said that it is problematic to catch my breath, as it is inversely related to my sobbing. It seems like an eternity before I calm down.

I am sure Kanaya has only caught bits and pieces of what is happening to me. It is likely she pieced some of it together. She is intelligent, after all. When I finally force myself off her shoulder, I see the mess I made of her shirt. I feel terrible about it. I am terribly sorry she had to see me this way.

“Kanaya, I am –“

She immediately silences me. There is a sad smile on her face, and she is less tense than it was before. She kisses me on my forehead – an extremely gentle kiss – mother-like, perhaps. Her gray eyes, which have been turning greener by the day, move to mine, and it seems like all the care and love she can offer is in them.

“Rose, it is going to be alright.”

I know she is idealistic. There is a limit to how idealistic one can be, though. It is not alright. I showed how weak I really am. I wonder how differently she thinks of me. I am not who she decided to be with. I am not who I wish I could be. How could I possibly explain? I will not beg to have her back. I will not –

… and she is cupping my face with one of her hands.

“I believe the phrase is ‘you are only human’. It is okay to have emotions. Trolls have them too.”

“No, Kanaya, you do not seem to understand –“

“I may not completely understand, however, I understand enough of your situation to tell you that you are the strongest individual I know. It is healthy to let yourself cry and show emotion. It does not make me appreciate your company any less.”

I am having trouble comprehending her words. Is she really okay with it? How could she be? This is not what she signed on for – this utter mess of a person. Her hand is still on my face. I cover it with one of my own. The fringes of her lips tug upward. Her face, as always, is elegant – nothing short of gorgeous, really. I cannot, for the life of me, understand how she could be more amazing than she is right now.

“Are you sure?”

“I have never been surer in regards to anything that has happened in my six sweeps of life. Actually, my five sweeps of life and a sweep of undead life.”

Her sentence elicits a chuckle out of me, though I know it is inappropriate timing. Her smile turns to something more similar to her regular one. Throughout this whole situation, she has been poised. I have been on the edge. Maybe I can come off of the precipice I have been on for more than a short amount of time.

“I hope you know that I want to be with you when all of this ends.”

I sit there – frozen in my place. Shocked – completely and utterly shocked is the only way to describe me right now. Maybe I misheard what she said.

“Can you say that again, Kanaya?”

“Hm?”

“What you just said. Can you say it again?”

Her grin comes out this time – she is beaming at me with such a brilliant smile, I almost want to turn away. ”Almost” is the key word here.

“I want to be with you when all of this ends.”

So I did hear her right, then. Hearing that…I am getting butterflies in my stomach. I do not know if it is because Kanaya is saying it, or if it is the phrase in general. I finally smile back; however, for some reason, she blushes and drops her hand from my face. She is no longer looking me in the eye. Oh, no – did I do something horrible without realizing it – something bad enough that she would start averting her eyes like this? Maybe I did hear wrong. But why is she blushing? I look at her, confused. She looks up the tiniest bit, her face becoming more jade colored by the second.

“I do not know if this is the right time to say this, or how to say this. I do not know if you will understand it in my terms or if I should use your terms. If I use your terms I will not know if I am using them right and I could be saying the wrong thing. If I use my terms I will know what I am saying, but then you might not. It is quite a dilemma and I am split between –“

“Kanaya, you are rambling.”

She clears her throat, apologizes, and tries again.

“Let me try it this way. In my terms, I would say I am flushed the deepest of reds for you. In your terms, I believe the phrase is ‘I love you’.”

It takes me a minute to really hear what Kanaya said. At first, it flies right over my head. No one has ever said that to me – maybe platonically, but never romantically. When I understand what she said, I realize how much courage she has. Usually, I would be the one to be forward. I would be the one to initiate something of this matter. This time though, she got to it first.

I am glad she did.

“I love you too.”

She looks up at me, her face glowing even with the tints of jade. It looks like she is about to cry – I do not think it is for the same type of reason that I cried for earlier. I wonder how long she has been holding those phrases in. I decide to take the lead – and it is not because it might lead me to the most fortuitous path. I am taking the lead because I want to. Before I change my mind, I lean forward, grab her, and pull her toward me – so much so that we fall backward. She is on top of me, and I am lying on my back. She does not seem to have realized what happened due to the flurry of motion. She regains her senses soon enough. As soon as she does, she is stuttering and bumbling over her words. Her blush goes up to her ears – down her neck as well. I grin up at her, putting my hand on her face this time instead of vice versa. I use my fingers to trace down from the tip of her ear to her jaw line. I trace further and further down until I reach her collarbone.

I can feel Kanaya’s breath changing with each touch – with each movement. I feel her heartbeat becoming faster and faster as my finger traces back up her neck. She must be touch-sensitive. I feel her lift herself ever so slightly into my touch. Her eyes flutter, then she shuts them. I suppose she is trying to feel the sensation. I lift my hand up to one of her horns, and start rubbing the base. At the same time, I push down on her head with a little force so that I can put my lips on to hers. My lips vibrate as an “mmm” comes out of her own. She pushes her lips on me harder, so I oblige and return the favor. There is something different about me this time. I want to be bolder – do something I have not done before. I move my hand from her horn and gradually go down from her hair to her neck – from her neck to her back, and then down to where her shirt ends. I suck on her bottom lip as I go under her shirt and start rubbing her back – the skin down there is still cool compared to my warm hand.

When Kanaya lets out a squeak of surprise, I laugh. She looks down at me, and though she’s trying to look mad, her eyes are too glazed over for her to look serious. Smiling, I trace circles on her lower back. I know there’s a scar on her back and stomach from what happened. I will avoid it for now. Not one to be outdone, Kanaya crashes her lips into mine. Her lips were off as soon as they were on, though. Instead, she moved them to my ear – licking the curve of the lobe and running down my jaw line with her tongue. I let out a moan – I did not realize this would feel so good. Her teeth are scratching along my skin as she kisses and licks down my throat. This must be torture for her. I should help her with that.

“Kanaya.”

She lets her lips detach from my neck, though it seems she was reluctant to do so.

“Yes?”

“You can bite.”

Her eyes widen. She starts to ramble a bit with nervous stutters. It is a speech akin to “Rose, are you sure?” I repeat what she said to me before.

“Kanaya, it is going to be alright.”

She looks at my neck, and then my face, as if still asking for permission. I give her a nod. With that, she licks her lips – that is indubitably the sexiest thing I have ever seen – and she goes back to giving attention to my neck. She leaves hickeys all along it, but from what I can tell none are bigger than the one left on the junction between my neck and my collarbone. I can feel myself lifting my neck for her to get a better angle – so I can feel it more. Kanaya licks where she made the red splotch, and grazes it with her teeth. I hope it does not hurt – I do not think it will. She licks one more time before –

Okay, maybe it hurts more than expected.

I scratch into her back with my nails as Kanaya repositions herself to get more comfortable – or more blood. It is either or, really. It does not change the fact that when she repositioned herself, she put her knee near my…well, for lack of a better term, crotch. When she maneuvers to suck more, her knee moves upward causing heat to rush down to my lower region – all while taking blood from me. My eyes start to shut – the sensation is a bit too much. It sends shivers down my spine. I could get used to this. The whole time I am making noises in pitches I have never heard from myself. My neck lifts as she slowly takes her fangs out – like I want her to bite again. To be honest at this point I am panting – almost gasping for breath. My face is so flushed – I can feel the heat becoming more intense every instant she touches me. Kanaya lifts her head and looks at my face – she seems to be out of breath too. It’s too bad for the both of us, really, because I want more.

I unwind my arms from their previous position and wrap my arms around her neck to pull her down to me – accidentally thrusting her knee into me more. I did not know I could moan so much. I push my lips onto hers with wanton abandon – letting her teeth cut and bruise my lips while I ignore the taste of blood. I lick and nip at Kanaya’s bottom lip and top lip, giving her the hint to open her mouth. I lick the tip of her tongue with my own as she matches every movement I make – even going so far as imitating each movement with the exact same speed. That is, until I suck the tip of her tongue. A lengthy, breathy moan escapes her when I suck harder. At the same time, I take one of my arms off of her in order to place my hand in between both of our bodies – I push upward just a bit as I grope at one of breasts softly, noting that there seems to be no nipple under her clothes. It seems to still be an erogenous zone, though, as she moans into the kiss more than before. To finish up, I lick at the tip of her tongue once again, and suck at her bottom lip and pull it towards me. Then, I finally let go. I remove my hand from her breast, deciding to place it in her hair and run my fingers through it. The heat has gone to my groin, mostly, and I know what this means. However, now is not a good time – not when I was upset about an hour ago. I try to do something simple – catch my breath. There is a companionable silence as she lies on top of me, her breath completely ragged. It is a while before I feel the need to speak.

“Well, that was fun.” I say with a smirk.

Kanaya picks up her head a smidge, seeming to be in a daze of sorts, and smirks back – fangs and all.

“I would have to agree.”

There is a new kind of look in her eye. It is an amazing feeling – to know I gave her that look. It may be odd to say since I am the seer and one of the only species of my race left, but I feel like I am the luckiest person in the entire universe. I am at my happiest around her – especially at this moment. Perhaps we should do this more often. For now, I just want her to stay with me.

“Kanaya?”

“Yes?”

“Would you stay with me tonight?”

Kanaya looks at the empty space on my bed – she has never stayed in my room nor slept on a bed, as of yet. She looks back at me, after she contemplates the offer, and nods.

“Nothing would make me happier, Rose.”

“You might want to get off of me, then.”

She looks down and notices that she is still on me – when she does, she nods frantically and stammers quite a bit. Once again, I cannot help laughing. It is adorable when she does this. After about thirty or so tries, she manages to get a coherent sentence out.

“Oh, yes – right – of course.”

Kanaya removes her knee – I must admit there is a sense of longing to have it placed back – and readjusts herself so that she is on her side and next to me on the bed. I turn myself on my side as well, so that I can nestle into her. She is warmer now, probably from all the actions that have recently occurred. I have never cuddled before. I can feel her breath slowing down, and eventually it is in sync with mine. Her heart has slowed. I enjoy that I am lying on her chest – I am able to hear her own unique, one of a kind heartbeat. While her shoulder was comfy enough, her chest is much comfier. She wraps an arm around me – I already feel my eyes closing. They feel like stone – which is cumbersome because all I want to do is stay awake and feel this wonderful girl wrap her arms around me. She is whispering something – it sounds like she is saying “I will always be here for you”, however, I am too tired to entirely understand. The last thing I feel is Kanaya kissing the top of my head.

Maybe, just maybe, it is okay to have fears and doubts.

So long as you have someone to share them with.


End file.
